CHAPTER 5- Suffocating tears

They don’t have hands, they have no shape, all they can do is flow. Tears make us feel so much without having a mind of their own.

Did it happen all of a sudden? Did it feel like standing on quick sand? Feet shivering and about to fall? Yeah, I’ve experienced them too. Better discuss them while the feelings linger right?

It started with a mere mention of the past, how hard I used to work for my studies, then came the sentence, “I used to STUDY”. But, not anymore, “I CAN’T STUDY” even if I want to. The sentences kept buzzing in my head like a song on repeat. A song that I couldn’t bear, but couldn’t stop either.

And before you know, it fell. I hadn’t noticed when my eyes were full. My father sat opposite to me and I couldn’t let him see. If I rushed out, it would be too obvious, “hold it in”, I said. But, as I mentioned, tears don’t have a mind of their own, they don’t understand complexities. It fell when the eyes were full. The first one couldn’t travel far, and then came the second and the third.

My glasses couldn’t stop them from rolling down my cheek anymore.

There it was, visible in the open. But, by then my heart had already sunken deep in grief. Tears? I was oblivious. The concern of not making my father concerned had long being over ridden by grief. Then, came the tears that suffocated.

Trying to normalize my breaths, while answering my concerned father inspite of all the choking is a tough battle on its own. Besides, trying to calm and console the source of grief is a tough battle itself. Why did I try so hard to control? I am a grown-up now. Taking care of others is what I should do. I will try my best to not involve others with my problems.

Others might think differently, there is no right or wrong about these things. Somehow after stopping their flow, you try to get up to have a change of scene- the previous one was still full of the smell of sadness. Now, you start noticing your heavy breathing and tell yourself.” Why is it so hard?”

You find a place to see your reflection and smile at yourself, but feel that it looks off. You keep smiling until you end up making yourself laugh or you end up feeling pity. That’s what today looked like, not that it happened for the first time. But, it definitely is the first time I want you to let it out with me.

Try to let it out. If it feels familiar, even if we’re not in the same situation, tears can suffocate you. And usually, the reasons aren’t trivial. Letting it out will not make you a coward or hurt others. If the conditions are not right, go to someplace which is.

At times, we feel that we need to keep it in and forget that we are human too. Sadness is not our fault. It managed to creep in because happiness left too many spaces. The best way to remove sadness is to fill the spaces. Filling them with happiness is a boon which all of us might not be lucky enough to get, but we can fill them with other things.

People that matter, dreams and aspirations. Fill the spaces with these. If these are not possible, if you have no other way, make the ones who made you cry pay.

Yes, making them pay does not make you a bad person. It is the other name for justice. Make them regret messing with your life. It is not very difficult, but don’t lose track of who you are.

You are the only version of you. Without you, the world is incomplete. So, nomatter what happens, preserve the best version of you always!

Tears don’t measure your strength or age, they are a part of you. It is not wrong to cry or want to be cared for. Since we know and understand that tears can be suffocating too, we should try to help others with it too.

Remember, at times, the best help could be to let a person be on his own. We can’t spoon-feed help and care all the time, one has to sort things out on his own at the end. So, letting someone be by himself is not necessarily something to be concerned about.

Hence, if tears suffocate you, maybe it is better to let it all go.